I'm trying so hard not to want...
not to long for
your touch
your softness
your warm and powerful embrace
longing creates that reality
but oh how I long for you.

with all the love of this world I go forth
seeking beauty and truth
No longer searching for reconciliation
for the infinite guilt and regret
no truth in these
only deception of a device
so complez and perfect
as to create a reality
expect nothing
gain everything
so how then
when dealing with the passions of my body?
to connect
truly
in truth
akward affections
focused on pleasing
not pleasure
so much fear in me
even still
closed up like oyster or clam
fist
fists of hunger and need and longing
only clinging to those feelings
therefore creating them
therefor becoming them
my body cries out for instruction and gentleness
yet my mind tells me aggression is the only way
my soul finds the beauty in both though lacks the freedom to truly explore.
my soul lacks no freedom
save the limitations i have subjected it to
my soul cries out for passion.

one word answers that explain everything without the necessity of detail
because it is already understood
though not accepted
always seeking answers
never seeing the ones I've already found
not found
possessed
all the answers are here
only a matter of seeing them
and accepting them.

you speak so triumphantly
of your experiences and
conquests
and you seem so dissapointed
in me?
what can I do to be what you need?
what DO you need?
do you know either?
whot do I need?
I'm reallly not sure
but I'd love for us to find out together.

---

you made me feel so damn sexy
everytime I caught your eyes on me it was like falling off a cliff
i was full of excitement
and adreneline
are you looking at me differently
or am I land locked?

here I am

where I am

where I've never been

where I'll always be.

 

I'm a liar
Worse...
I lie to myself better than any other.
Where does happiness come from?
Everywhere?
What about contentedness?
Anywhere.

 

there is nothing left in me to give
of myself
i'll give you the world of your design
so that you may become all you ever wanted to be.
what have i ever done for myself that can compare?
came here on a leap of faith that brought me to you
you who have loved me more than anyone
you who has let me love you
you who has shown me doors leading into and outside of myself
but who am I?
I'm the girl still
trapped by bonds of her own design
i am the girl who is safe
i am the girl who will always be there
without fail
you'd think it would be wonderful being the reliable one...
i love you beyond compare
and i know deep down
everything will be alright
we all change
every second we breathe
i just
i just want...
i don't even know.
when i try to put words to it they come out meaningless
as meaningless as words can be
symbols that signify feeling and emotion and nothing as real as when i am in your arms
your arms
more often you are in my arms
i love holding you
touching you
feeling your warm breath on my skin
do you love touching me?
holding me?
feeling me?
who else has been in your arms?
who else will be?
over this, i have no control
i don't want control,
to police your life like you are a criminal
but the idea of you holding someone
touching them
feeling her warm breath on your skin
giving her everything i long to have but somehow lack
it's a feeling beyond jealousy or anger or anything comparable to any kind of emotion at all...
loss.
lost.
we are all wandering
lost afraid and alone
searching
constantly searching
constantly alone.