How many childhood dreams were interrupted by the harsh scratch grinding of a car engine
Restarted to recreate heat
Warmth of soft beds and walls that stand between you and the world
I rejected the blood of you in me
Blood willingly shed as shelter and love
Sacrificing yourself every day
In hopes of feeling love
Intense love
My father told me that when he met you he had never met anyone who needed saving more.
I can’t save you
I never could.
No one will save me.
I can.
Posted by xNylx at 11:06 pm
reward... or punish...?
I say you're hopeless
look in a mirror girl
look in a fucking mirror
always looking for a knight in shining armor
who needs to be shiny and armored?
we are
we are
you tell me I'm good in bed
you tell me you love me
while I'm giving you head
you tell me you're stupid
so only you get to say it
I'm glad you made this distinction
now I won't belive you
who is this girl believing in love
whose never seen it
whose never felt it
whose never held it
been held by it
I've been slapped by love
kicked and bruised
whose love will hold me but my own?
Posted by xNylx at 05:13 pm
reward... or punish...?
Moment of peace
eye of the storm?
I feel like the heartbreak is over
done
I'm moving on
I'm perfectly willing to accept a reconciliation
though I'm not willing to expect it anymore...
you can follow my lead if you want to
but I'm going
I'm standing up and shouting "THIS IS ME!"
You have no idea how much I want you to come with me
but you are on your own path
your own journey
and the choice is entirely yours to make.
I still love you dearly
and I'll never say "it's too late now."
But while it will never be too late
I can't wait anymore for you to decide it is time.
Posted by xNylx at 06:23 pm
reward... or punish...?
so exausted of being dissapointed
so miserable with my patience.
I'm tired baby...
I can't fight you anymore...
you said, "I'm tired of apoligizing. I promise."
You've never 'promised' before.
maybe this is real...?
let's hope so.
don't prove my faith in you wrong.
it's your turn to make a move.
your turn to rise above.
Posted by xNylx at 04:23 pm
reward... or punish...?
the emptiness continues
as so many things do
life
for instance
childlike optimism,
if for only an instant,
lingers only long enough to shed light upon the pessimism of
routine thoughts and actions and words.
Reality continues.
Posted by xNylx at 02:27 am
reward... or punish...?
couldn't be farther away
if you were seated right next to me.
such a cold stare in my heart
stifling and yet clear
action
I see what I should do
What I need to do
I just don't want to
not
because I think so little of myself
but
because I think so highly of you
and your love for me.
Is that where I'm mistaken?
I don't belive that;
because I don't want to?
I have so much faith in you.
don't dissapoint me please.
not more than you already have.
not again.
Posted by xNylx at 06:53 pm
reward... or punish...?
suffocate and smother
with all the powers of our love
only to dream of escape.
"once I ran to you, now I run from you."
I don't want this to be our fate baby!
It certainly doesn't have to be.
I've lived off the expectation for so long.
What is sustinence when you feed off of malnourished faith?
Posted by xNylx at 04:49 pm
reward... or punish...?
if there is anyone in this world
right now
having the moment of their life.
I feel
like I am wasting myself
under the guise
of saving something vital.
what's vital about holding back?
Posted by xNylx at 11:20 pm
reward... or punish...?
I don't know how to reach out to you...
(without pain or frustration)
any other way than I have.
you seem so unresponsive unless I'm carressing you
enveloping you
you touch me ever so slightly and
I grow
pulsate
gain power
how can I call upon that power when I need it?
either my tactics need to change or I need you to be more responsive
I know I'm not always responsive to you either
I know
I try distance
space
indifference?
no
just space.
all it seems to do is to distance me from you
with no way of understanding
how I ended up on a winding path to the edge of nowhere.
ARGH!
remember when we were young to eachother?
even when we understood our connection with no boundries
or solid lines
no shape or color or taste
we just were
two empathetic bodies
moving through space
sharing energies
sending and recieving
transmitting
now it seems like we no longer care
even when we do!
more of a battle
than a bond
God I LOVE YOU!
even when I get confused
even when I get scared
especially when I'm terrified
when all the fear wells up to the point of self-destruction
it is you who lends me the strength
who holds me tight
it is your love that
screamspounds at me
"you are not alone!"
and my love for you that knows your pain and joy as my own.
we just seem to be becoming so different
difident
defiant!
why do we defy when we can enclose and envelope?
I know we can do this
whatever -this- is.
of that I have NO doubt
Posted by xNylx at 01:52 am
reward... or punish...?
Madness.
Do you ever feel the need to reach out to me when you feel bad?
or do you push it down,
cover it up,
move away,
rather than towards.
you call me "jackass" for asking something of you that I should not need to ask for.
no wonder I hate asking...
Posted by xNylx at 01:53 am
reward... or punish...?
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